So This Is How It Feels

So this is how it feels To be sadder than sad Losing you in a snap Like the bubbles that pop Before I can really hold it So this is how it feels To miss the chance To fulfill the dreams, the plans Because in a sudden twist Fate decided and the dance Never started So this is how it feels To remember and knowing Those moments with you Will be lasting but fleeting Bitter and sweet Your victory, my defeat. So this is how it feels Numbness, helplessness Reality shots a void Nothing or nobody could fill Empty as it is That space in my heart Will forever hold Your puzzle piece. You kept your silence in your pain Managed to show How happy you were When I saw you again. Never really thought That was the last Warm embrace and farewell kisses. You were set to go, Because in your heart you know You have done What you had to do In this world of living Which we all will be leaving You went ahead Without saying goodbye. So I guess It is not goodbye But ‘I love you.’ Like you didn’t always say But showed anyway. So this is how it feels For a daughter To lose a father. I love you, Pa.

7 Songs for Cristian's Bday

My Generous Son

Today, I got a call from the Philippines that my father was taken to the hospital. I feel worried mainly because it has only been a week since he came out of there and now he was brought back. And for another reason, my parents, being poor as we are, don’t have much to spare for hospital bills because their pension is barely sufficient to cover their medicines. So the hospital bills are extended to us, their kids. I already owed my uncle a large sum and it looks rather unclear where to get more. My husband called me to ask how I was and I just broke down. If only I am already working, I would have something to send back home. I told my husband I don’t know where to get money to help my parents out. My eldest son came to the room because he heard me crying. He went out of the room and came back with pennies on his hands, offered me the pennies saying “Here you go, Mommy. Stop crying. I will help you. I will Give you my money.” It was his money from the tooth fairy he’s been keeping all this time plus several pennies he would spot anywhere in the house which he asked if he could keep them. I cried even more, this time rather silently. I was touched by my son’s generosity. This is the first time I encountered him like this and I was a bit surprised. Such a selfless soul, giving all that he got to someone he thought has none. Thank you, God!

Keeping the Lola Sane

It’s almost Christmas! Aside from fulfilling our duty to go to Mass today (and had our Bambino blessed), we only stayed home to rest and enjoy the day. I still need this — get most rest as needed because I have not completely recovered from my asthma slash winter bug that has been giving me punching pain in the chest. But I’m getting there with much-needed TLC from my husband and sweet hugs from my little one. Most of the time though, my son would go to his Lola’s (nan’s) room so he can play his toys and has access to the iPad. I don’t really mind since I get to take a nap in between when he’s not around in our room. I am also delighted when I overhear their conversations from the room: C: Lola, are you young? Lola: Of course, I’m young! C: I am young too! Can you fix this truck Lola? Lola: I don’t know how to do that. C: Then you need to grow up Lola. Lola: (laughs hard) That made my afternoon.

Nothing Compares with Christmas in PH

I have been here in London for a year and let me tell you, nothing compares to spending Christmas in the Philippines. No amount of money, no huge sizes of Christmas trees and decors, no volume of Food whether they are considered posh by my fellow Filipinos here, would compare to how I spend Christmas with my Mama and Papa, my brothers and cousins and aunts and nephews and nieces. Now that I have my own family, I still feel the celebration in this place I am in would have to run several miles to keep up with the meaningfulness and simplicity but full of love manner of how we spend the Christmas in the Philippines. I feel so homesick now. I want to bring my son to the Philippines.

Retaso sa Retrato

I never thought I'd get to recover these photos after Friendster. And after several years, I now realized I had much confidence to wear tiny pieces of fabric and expose much flesh. My husband might not know about these, and I don't know if he will even like them.

Someday when I'm older, if I can summon the same confidence again, I will get to wear tiny pieces of fabric aside from my underwear. Haha! Cheers!

The Dwindling Mom-to-be

Call me a fool if I say I sometimes wish I am not pregnant with my first child. Come blame me for this despicable attitude. But you see, most of my sane time I feel so blessed that a miracle is growing inside me. And when depression lurks around, I wish I did not have the baby. It looks to me that depression is the evil voice of abortion. Of course I would not resort to abortion! That is definite. But there are several things I wish could change so I don't get depressed. And lonely. I was warned. In fact, my partner thought it would be better not to have a baby first while we are apart. But we were newly married, and I said I would do fine -- that I can manage to take care of myself even with a baby along. He was worried. I was just so happy we were married at last and was not considering much about his concern. Besides, we are to start a family. And I was overly excited! His worry to me is but a waste of time. Ours is a love full of passion, but short in planning. And now the baby. Don't get me wrong. I love this baby so much. But I wish, at this turn of events, that my husband is here to support me. I wish that he would be there to comfort me when I'm having pregnancy difficulties. I think that he was right. I cannot do this alone. I feel so alone. Sometimes, when my mind's out of frame, I want to run away to a place where no one knows me. And then there, maybe I can start anew with only my baby and myself. I think that I can leave my lonely life behind, since I have my baby with me. But then again, what difference does it make? Well, maybe it gives me that feeling of having to stand on my own, thinking that the pain of having an absent partner would no longer be painful. Because what sense does it make when you married someone, have a kid along the way, and then still you are apart? Nothing. No supportive presence whatsoever. It feels like I am without a husband. And I won't blame my child if in the future he would feel that he is without a father. I often feel so sorry for myself lately. I wish I did not get pregnant. Because I do not want my baby to feel in anyway the depression I am feeling. I do not want my baby to hear the silent screams I release at my nights of crying. I do not want my baby to feel the loneliness of going through this alone. Because I cannot help being lonely.