Banged!

No, not the gunshot but that sudden, strange feeling that hits into you when you think you're all focused doing something. That unwelcomed feeling that would purposely get you off track the moment it strikes you. So bang. Bang! That company's number is flashing on and off my hushed phone. Picked it up, careful not to be vulgar about what the caller and I will be talking about (I'm in the office, crap.). "Hello, Ms. Beth." She said hello back. I was silent the whole time she was discussing the job offer over the phone. Uh-uh. I just can't say a thing about it when my boss is just behind me. With still my polite nerves intact, I told her I would just return her call or send her an email before lunch. I was seriously considering the job offer, but being one-man short in the current company I'm in, I decided not to grab it. Then Bang! I try to concentrate on my chores after that call but it haunts me like I could not finish a sentence in my email. And so it was, not a call or an email from me before or even after lunch. I know I was so bad! Another Bang! So we're OK now. We're talking. We're holding hands. We're kissing, exchanging endearing words like before. But Bang! Not really. There it hit me. I would have to give him the time of his life to realize how much I love him so he could love me the same way before. I was determined to show him how I value this relationship we have right now. That even in adversity, I would stay. I would not give up. Just when I thought I was already decisive to do this, bang, I felt fear. That fear thumps in my heart still. But something larger than fear is telling me I should trust him. I know in my heart now that trust is the only shield I could bear to protect me from hurting, confusion, and several other bangs. Trust in the Lord and trust in the person I dearly love.

How Do Broken Hearts Heal?

It was a terrible nightmare. I could still hear my heart throbbing in disbelief. Yes, because it was real. It happened so quickly, I could not separate the bad dream from reality. Why has this happened to me? I know God has a better purpose. Sadly though, I loved deeply and fallen so fast, so hard, it hurts. Most of my friends say I don't deserve a guy like him. They know how faithful I am in love and they said I deserve the one who's equally faithful if not more. A part of my being would like to believe so. But this other part is still hopeful of what my love for him can do. I, the tough lady who bat greater challenges in the past, suddenly a weakling? Well, in this case, maybe it will take two to tango. For what use is my being a love warrior if the person I'm fighting for is not willing to come back? What use is this love with nobody more to share? For more than two years, we made it through the joys and blues of our relationship. In a sudden weird twist of things, two years took a night to say the relationship requires a month or so of rest. Rest for good, maybe. Two years of hearty laughters and painful tears into one eager morning of a decision to rethink things over like everything was wrong from the start. Two years of togetherness into a few late nights with somebody else. Two years of my faithfulness into telling me you and her have a lot to share. Two years of my life in you, with you, for you and now yours with her. Time is no exact measure of how much you love another person, I know. But where did two years, seven months and six days of only us bring you? What have you left behind for me? I'm scarred. I was not prepared for this. So could anyone tell me how do broken hearts heal?

The Love Told

How I sang with glee when you told me of your love A love I could only always dream of A promise of togetherness, our hearts combined But when the love shattered, what else will be mine? How do I even recognize which were the ones I compromised? When the tears are making it impossible to synthesize. How do I put together these torn, painful pieces? If each time I do, I miss your warming kisses. Never thought we' d come this closer To this point I feared further. What assuring words would be left to say? If the love you told me could not even make you stay. ccvf -- 2:16 P.M. April 17, 2008