The Dwindling Mom-to-be

Call me a fool if I say I sometimes wish I am not pregnant with my first child. Come blame me for this despicable attitude. But you see, most of my sane time I feel so blessed that a miracle is growing inside me. And when depression lurks around, I wish I did not have the baby. It looks to me that depression is the evil voice of abortion. Of course I would not resort to abortion! That is definite. But there are several things I wish could change so I don't get depressed. And lonely. I was warned. In fact, my partner thought it would be better not to have a baby first while we are apart. But we were newly married, and I said I would do fine -- that I can manage to take care of myself even with a baby along. He was worried. I was just so happy we were married at last and was not considering much about his concern. Besides, we are to start a family. And I was overly excited! His worry to me is but a waste of time. Ours is a love full of passion, but short in planning. And now the baby. Don't get me wrong. I love this baby so much. But I wish, at this turn of events, that my husband is here to support me. I wish that he would be there to comfort me when I'm having pregnancy difficulties. I think that he was right. I cannot do this alone. I feel so alone. Sometimes, when my mind's out of frame, I want to run away to a place where no one knows me. And then there, maybe I can start anew with only my baby and myself. I think that I can leave my lonely life behind, since I have my baby with me. But then again, what difference does it make? Well, maybe it gives me that feeling of having to stand on my own, thinking that the pain of having an absent partner would no longer be painful. Because what sense does it make when you married someone, have a kid along the way, and then still you are apart? Nothing. No supportive presence whatsoever. It feels like I am without a husband. And I won't blame my child if in the future he would feel that he is without a father. I often feel so sorry for myself lately. I wish I did not get pregnant. Because I do not want my baby to feel in anyway the depression I am feeling. I do not want my baby to hear the silent screams I release at my nights of crying. I do not want my baby to feel the loneliness of going through this alone. Because I cannot help being lonely.