Sadness Galore

What's with today? I thought I'd be doomed. This is how it feels to be 'bagsakan ng langit'. But dear God, if these are the worst things that would happen to me today, it would still be a good day after all.

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Laptop disaster early in the morning!

I had this strong feeling it would happen to me because I was doing irregular downloads yesterday. Install here, delete there. Enter, enter, enter. Come this morning, my screen greeted me with: "Windows could not start because the following file is missing or corrupt:" For crying out loud! My mind's instinctive reaction was: "Ang files ko!!!!!!!!!"

Like saving a lifeless drowned victim, I was pressing the power on and off -- hopeful to see a message that reads something like: "Joke lang!" But dreaming big early in the morning is not a very good indication of a character fit to be called a 'normal employee.' So thank God the black screen and the message prompt was consistent. And so is my heart breaking and panicking. My eyes are on a warning: tear ducts are about to explode.

I called the supplier. I was having second thoughts while talking to him. He said he'd come and visit the office to check the unit himself. Is he bringing bad shoes or bad news? I was always right with the 'bad', I guess. My laptop needs reformatting. Huh?! But what about my files? He prompted me with a dreadful question that can hardly go through my mind: "Do you do back-ups?" Doomed.

But hey, I'm not just the type who surrenders. Especially when I know people. Hahaha. Yeah, my ex including. Sad fact: I just could not drag my IT-loved-ones to the office and fix my laptop. I have to be resourceful. As soon as this technical guy left, I called our Online Department for support. Jex was accommodating, but I understand he has deadlines too. So I let him explain a few things for me and I helped myself with a little research. My last resort was to consult my ex-beau which I dreaded doing myself. I asked too many favors from him already. He's been very helpful even after the break-up. Fine. I did not call him.

So to verify that my actions are technically legal in the IT-scape, I tried my luck again to call the supplier. I must have charmed the person from the other line. What can I do but be pleasant as I always am? Hahaha. It was another technical support guy. I could not stop him from volunteering to visit the office to check on the unit personally. It must really be my voice this time. So in a matter of 8 minutes, he was at the office. Maybe he did some abracadabra or hocus pocus or bari-bari-bari. Whatever that is that he did, he brought my laptop to life! For free! No service charge even if my unit is already not under warranty. If only my power hug is for free, but no. How about water for an angel who flew from up the scorching sun? He just smiled.

Ramil is the name of that angel, by the way. Someday, somehow, I'll find my way to bump into you and help you too. Thank you! Thank you!

And may I say Rannie was an angel too? In more than ways than one. Thanks Rann!

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And like sadness is never contented, it gave me another reason to lumber. I received an SMS from Mac saying Nicklas (aka Nicki) is flying home to Germany ASAP. I have to hear it from the boy. I asked how he has been and he bluntly said without me asking "I'm going home on Thursday." Maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me that I did not read the message right, I have to ask him again. He said, 'Yes, I'm going home on Thursday." But why? He replied, "I just didn't feel needed here." I did not know what to say the next moment or so that I felt the urge to call him.

I need not elaborate how our phone conversation went. But one thing is sure, I feel even sadder. Although he assured me he would be emailing and Skype-ing me (it's tested, he is a man of his words), it did not make me less sad. As if to add pressure so he won't leave, I told him I will not return his Life of Brian DVD. But he didn't budge. Silly me. He is a decisive kid. Or has he grown to be a man already? Hahaha. I am so going to miss Nicki. I wish chocolates would not melt. That way I could have made him promise he would send me boxes and boxes and boxes of them. Only he said it is not possible. Or if it is, those brown goodies would be like water. Nice thinking. But I still feel sad. He could only say he is sorry and ashamed. :(

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Four of my participants for my April training just backed out due to an 'emergency'. I'm so used to it. Give me drama because that was not really funny! Argh!

My OLLYM Friendship

This dates back to my past, And still clings to my present. A bond that’s so steadfast To put simply, adherent. I’ve been gone for a long while Crying and wretched upon my return. Even then you embraced me with a smile I knew that never again I’d go forlorn. Kind words warming my senses, Concerned pats easing the pain, Hugs forgiving my offenses, Certain hopes drifting again. You set me free to wander, Never doubting, never greedy. And when a storm would hover, You’d drag a shelter for me. For seeing me through those times Of heartbreak or defeat You kept me still so I could stand Steady on both feet. When picking up the pieces Seemed difficult to bear The anxiety never ceases Until I saw you there. Clueless I am now how to say My sincerest thanks to you For the help, the love that came my way My heart just says 'I love you, too.'

This video is a tribute to all my friends from the Our Lady of Lourdes Youth Ministry (its members and auxiliary ones, hehehe). Thank you all guys for being there when, well, I was lost.

I would not wait for my death to let you know how much you mean to me. *wink* Just bear with the music though. Boc was making me cry that time and I could not help it. My voice was, hmmm, frog-throaty. :D

I Cry At The Drop Of A Hat

Catchy, isn’t it? It’s an expression I read from one of my weekend readings. Similar to the Filipinos’ way of saying ‘mababaw ang luha.’ As to the reason why the title, I simply have no reason to explain myself. I have not even the smallest intention to scare steel-hearted guys away who would roll their eyes at the sight of women’s tears. &$$4073$! It takes nothing to make me cry. As Sir Dom would put it, ‘Iyakin ka pala.’ I pictured him having second thoughts of hiring me after catching sight of my tear-drenched face when he handed me the Spongebob Squarepants stuffed toy as a present. Lala would only consider that as my weakness – crying. Tell you what though, I do not cry because I’m a loser. I do not cry to satisfy offenders. I pray for their souls. Hahaha. Rather, I cry at the slightest deed of kindness done unto me. Sweet-nothings would put me at the verge of spilling my tear ducts. Let’s not underrate what DSS could do to me. Dramatic songs and scenes, that is. So what brought me here, lest I forget? These: 1. Ingli’s (Ingrid Tan was a college classmate) surprise SMS that read:

“Remarkable classmates: ‘D ako nakapagreview’ – Pero ang dami sinusulat sa test paper. ‘Ang dali ng test’ – Pero sya ang lowest. Patingin-tingin sa bintana hoping makakita ng lumilipad na sagot. Ginawang notebook ang hita. Nagpuyat para makagawa ng kodigo pero di din nagamit. Sinisipa ang chair ng classmate sa harapan. D magrereview sa gabi, mag-aalarm ng madaling-araw, gigising para patayin ang alarm clock. Group study daw pero nag-iinuman lang. D mo daw na-enjoy ang pag-aaral kung di ka makarelate dito. …korek! Hehehe I miss you charing!”

I have this feeling she was referring to me as the first one. I miss you too, Ingli. Don’t make me cry like this again, please? 2. Armando Solis' playful antics at Betty (la fea). Ate Romeelyn must have noticed I'm missing someone. I was looking up to prevent the tears from falling. Who am I kidding? She threatened me she would text my ex if I did not stop bringing him up. Why does she have my ex's number in her phone? Very inexplicable. Hahaha. 3. Rannie, JM, Ms. Jane and Tito Bel telling me I'm a sweet girl. Really? I did not know that. Again, I do not have to explain myself. But thanks guys for bothering to notice. That's, uh, sweet. Where is my hankie?

They Grew Old But Not Their Love

What one thing have you first-handily witnessed during your living years that was true and lasting and never ceasing? I have one – my grandparents’ love for each other. This entry was inspired by the episode of Maalala Mo Kaya last Saturday about an old couple growing old together. I thought I could not miss relating too the true love I have seen in the company of my grandparents, my father’s parents, to be specific. (My mother’s parents have the same streak; only they were not as showy as my father’s parents were.) I basically grew up in the loving care of my grandparents when I was young. What with my working mother trying to get our expenses meet and my father toiling with the heat of Saudi Arabia. It was private school since Nursery for me back in the province and my classes were always later than my brothers’. Everyday of the school week, my mother would drop me at my grandparents’ house with my usual straight-from-the-bed form requiring serious conditioning before coming to school. I had always the pleasure of being the first to eat my grandmother’s home-cooked lunch alongside Daddy (+), my grandfather. And always, Mamang, my grandmother, would see to it that everything is in place before we eat altogether – the three of us. She would put rice on my Daddy’s plate primarily and automatically, before she’d turn to me to fill mine. We never ran out of things to discuss over those meals. I could still recount how Daddy would jokingly relate to me the ‘adventure’ of eloping with Mamang. If not because of the robust smell of burnt rice filling the kitchen, my great grandparents would not discover Mamang was missing. Thereupon started the great love story of my grandparents that endured and proof to the ‘till death do us part’ thing. These two significant people showed me true love in more than one way – not only for each other but also their true love for me. Let me give you a brief about them. Daddy, bless his soul, was every inch the craftsman – carpenter, driver, fisherman, MacGyver. More than that, he was the best grandfather (equally the best with my other grandfather)! He was my Bible storyteller – I heard the likes of David & Goliath, Joseph and his brothers, the birth of Jesus Christ, etc. from him first. The books he gave me were like some precious stones to me. He was my backup, my kakampi. He was my number one fan. He was my father figure when Papa was away. He built my confidence. He adored my tiny feet and thin legs. With that he called me ‘tingaw’ because I was really small then. He fetched me from school when none of my uncles were available to do just that. He would fairly listen to me when I tell him how my day went. He cut that part of the newspaper that bore my name when I passed the DOST scholarship exam. He highlighted my name. Did I tell you he was my number one fan? He would remind me not to get a cop or a military man for a boyfriend. And he said, if I could avoid it, not even a seaman. I have always been keeping his memories in my heart. And although he already passed away, I have always known he is never busy looking after me and interceding for my prayers. Daddy, you are sorely missed. Mamang seriously portrays the role of taking charge of the house chores. She is a superwoman! She knows the nooks and cranny of the house more than the house mouse. She cooks good food. It’s no wonder where my uncles and aunts get their waistlines that they do not really bother measuring. Mamang has her ways of showing me her loving-kindness. She would put extra do’s in our before-school routine. A classic example is the demonstration of wearing the socks. She taught me how to do that – that cute bows attached to my pair of socks should stand out so they have to be displayed on the outer part of my legs (I just don’t know how to put it. Mamang could explain better.). She would tell me that over and over until I thought I had mastery doing it, even with a blindfold. If Daddy would require me to have siesta every afternoon so that I could outgrow my ‘tingaw’ monicker, Mamang would simply make the task easy for me by her pats-to-sleep method. Even before Papa’s song cartridges from Saudi Arabia stirred my interest to music, Mamang has already taught me to sing ‘Ako Ay May Lobo’, a piece that always splendidly drew an audience as I delivered. Mamang, like Daddy, never failed to express her admiration to whatever I accomplish – then and now. And just as Daddy has advised, she would reiterate whenever I would come to visit her, never to get a cop clod or a military twit for a partner. I just have this feeling God would not allow me to. ;) Looking back, there were times when I saw them at the brink of arguing and Daddy would bark, ‘Nengneng mo tan ya akulaw,’ referring to Mamang still with that tinge of endearment and patience. Mamang knows better when to inject silence at those times. When Daddy died, I saw grief in Mamang’s eyes that I never saw before. She was differently silent. Mourning to an extent, wishful thinking to another. She verbalized my theory when she said, ‘Daddy, alam ak la!’ That made me cry. It gave me shivers thinking their love could surpass death too. I love them both.

When Getting To Sleep Becomes Dramatic

Nothing really new. It's just one of those times when I would usually lull myself to sleep with a new downloaded song playing from my phone in the repeat mode. So many times I have been doing this, yet again, there are so many songs I love to sing with each time until I thought I was born with the lyrics imprinted on my head. And now this particular old song which was sung by Teatro Rizalia caught my attention while waiting for the inauguration of our new EITSC computer laboratory at RTU to start. Smoke Gets In Your Eyes by The Platters. I googled for the lyrics and I want to share it with you. Less the drama, it would not be a song most of us would appreciate. If you have loved before, then this one's for you. Listen to it and keep yourself from crying. I failed. Enjoy the song and the story!

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes (The Platters, Frank Sinatra)

They asked me how I knew

My true love was true

I of course replied"Something here inside

Cannot be denied"

They said someday you'll find

All who love are blind

When your heart's on fire

You don't realise

Smoke gets in your eyes

So I chaffed and I gaily laughed

To think they would doubt my love

Yet today, my love has flown away

I am without my love

Now laughing friends deride

Tears I cannot hide

So I smile and say"When a lovely flame dies,

Smoke gets in your eyes."

The Slum Movie That Made A Slam

Finally, after a body-numbing day of doing some house chores, I managed to fix myself for a movie-on-the-bed therapy. Past the unholy midnight hour and I was still up to see this movie that created so much fuss. If there would be things I would write about Slumdog Millionaire, I would not confine it to the obvious ones which are, needless to say, its commendations and the international noise it created. Rather, I would write something about this film that touched the core of me, something more personal. I found a CD copy (of course ‘copy’ is the keyword) on top of my TV last night from who-knows who. There it was, with a reckless label of the title in blue ink but still legibly interesting: SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. As earlier said, here are the things that ran inside my head while watching it (which I have to recap after watching): 1. Parallelism of Manila and Bombay on so many things. Of course, there’s the slums (where the term ‘slumdog’ with the likes of Jamal and Salim was coined). Clair Danes knows better how to describe the kind which we have here in Manila. Syndicated begging is nothing new. I let go of a chuckle for the recruitment process the three kids have to undergo – bribed with cold Coke (I presumed) under the piercing heat of the sun. Beggar-kids need our help. :( Call centers! In the IT/BPO industry, Philippines is actually competing with India in providing the supply. And yeah, Indians can speak English too! TV game shows have been part of the Filipinos’ daily lives. These shows somehow provide people a tunnel for escape. These shows mean hope. But I still think these shows form what I call advertised gambling packaged like decent ones. 2. Motherhood and brotherhood. There’s the mother. Funny how the two boys took on the chase with the police officers with mocking ease while dreading the disciplining hands of their mother. This is the same mother who warned her kids and drove them away when there was a (unidentified) mob attack during which she was also hit and died. Salim was his brother's keeper: from the time they lost their mother up to that point when Jamal 'phoned a friend'. 3. True love waits and wins. Jamal delivering these lines is fine proof:

"Come away with me..." (I thought I heard that from Norah Jones.) "I'll wait... I love you." (He did wait for Latika at the train station!) "I joined the show because I knew you'd be watching." (That's being resourceful.)

There's this part of the movie when Jamal kissed the scar on Latika's cheek. Definitely one of my 'aawwww' moments while tears were flowing down my cheeks. I can imagine Nicki saying "Women!" with rolling eyes. It was very symbollic. He kissed her flaws. Don't you think that was really sweet? 4. God is great. Nothing is clearer than that in the movie.