On Trusting and Being Trusted

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” -- George MacDonald Of all the quotes I run through the net, I singled out this quote with which I would say I'm more... attached. Trust has always been an issue with me. Ask my friends, my suitors, my family, and especially so my boyfriend. No matter how much I try to convince other people that I trust them, bizarrely, I'm acting like I don't. So I'm trying to reflect now that I'm writing something about TRUST (which I dreaded doing). Reflect. Reflect. I have this crooked principle that I try not to trust other people basically to protect myself. Look around. It's a big, treacherous world. What more could be looming than this world eating up on you because you trusted? Inch by inch, until nothing more is left of you. Such a pessimistic view I know. But don't you think I'm making a point here? I believed in this unpleasantness until somebody made me realize that trusting is a twin act of loving that rather gives you that liberating feeling. I came to realize this after so much tribulation that I went through with him, my boyfriend -- this person that I'm supposed to love and yes, more importantly to him, trust. It was always a recurring issue. Whenever arguments arise between us, I tell him I could not trust him anymore for such pain he's causing me. But did I ever trust him in the first place? Did I ever believe in his ability to handle things between us? Did I ever listen to what he has to say or propose to do? Or did I only entrust everything about our relationship to myself after all these years because I simply do not trust him? I deprived him of that one valuable compliment (which George said is even greater than to be loved) he deserves as my partner -- to be trusted. The pain is scaring the core of my heart intensely I only wanted to protect myself only to realize that I'm already torn apart because I was not trusting him. In the same way, I was not fully aware that I am eventually pushing him away from me. It did not occur to me that his detachment would bring much severe and intolerable pain. It's torture. This is a sad confession. But I still recognize his efforts in struggling to gain my trust even if it means hurting himself or losing himself. That's how much he loves me. He painstakingly demonstrated to me how to trust despite my wrongs. He showed me how it feels to be trusted. I only get to recognize them now. And I hope it's not all too late. If my sorry would not suffice, I guess I'm bound to suffer the consequences. I learned, by heart. I should trust you in the same way that you trust me too.